I have misfiled again. I must, must learn to trust again. How do I change deeply rooted habits of thinking and behavior?
I have nothing to give, and my friends needs as much as I do. I will not increase the burden. It will make me feel worse But my dear friends won’t like hearing that nonsense.
My biggest fear is being misunderstood. It’s one of those days.
I am in a self-imposed exile. Not for anything another has done or not done. Rather, despite some improvement in my adjustment to big life changes, I feel utterly lonely and increasingly depressed. I am so self-consumed that I’ve nothing much left to give; it is all I can do to get through a day and meet my children’s needs.
Maybe the meds aren’t working, or I need an increase. Maybe it’s perceptions and not issues with chemical re-uptake inhibition.
At the same time, my old friends, careful of showing favoritism and the appearance of choosing sides politely avoid me. After church, I approached four different people to go have coffee or lunch. Everyone running off to get on with their holiday. I am overly sensitive at present, and not fun to hang around.
So I took myself to a favorite cafe, buzzing with life and interest. There was a window seat, and I fired up the laptop and juggled food and computing, sharing space with other Singletons. I was alone in the crowd. It was both disconcerting and ironic to look around me and see that most of the tables had one empty seat.
Afterward, I walked up and back six blocks each way, window shopping. Trying to shake this feeling. Ultimately I returned home to my empty house. Bad idea.
And again, I am paralyzed. Alone and unmotivated. Able to write here, yet unable to get my songs written or sung.
I will go to my piano now and just play. Maybe getting inside the music? Some days, the only cure which can soothe and heal.