St. Augustine called it imtima mea, the ‘inward dwelling.” In the East, it is called the Maha Sunn, a void which separates the Created from the Uncreated worlds, where souls wander alone being cleansed, awaiting realization of a higher plane.

For the past several years, this is where I’ve lived. From time to time, there are days and weeks where the air is clear and sweet. There are hours of peace and contentment in the middle of a dark day. Mostly though, the fog is thick.

Sometimes I hear faint voices from the other side reminding me that there is another side. But my compass is broken, and I can’t find my way in the dark. I grasp what is left of the thin thread that keeps me attached to sanity. Is it strong enough? Will it break?

I am tired from standing in one place for so long. I feel the past, but not the future.

I remember being reminded by someone (who claimed to love me once) over and over that my problem was that I measured my life by my feelings, and lack of empirical evidence. The word “feeling” was used as a taunt.

(c)GoshGusPublishing(ascap) 2012

4 thoughts on “Inside the Fog

  1. I understand your words. I’ve been there. Keep fighting the fog and have faith. This has been a long gloomy season of your life, but it will not be this way forever.You are much loved and have so many gifts. Remember why God put your here.
    If I ever meet up with that person who told you your feelings don’t matter, and that you are weak if you cry, I will bust his chops and call him out in a very public way. His family are idiots. The lack the emotional intelligence to get the fact that there are always two sides to a story, and two people who write that story.
    Fuck them all!
    Now, go practice. You forget that it’s the one thing that makes you feel better!

  2. To be human is to live in two worlds simultaneously, the external and internal. Other’s can only judge us by our external actions. While in actuality we are that private voice on the inside that only we can full know. The truly strong and sane are those that are able to be the same person in both realities.

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