Musical Milliner

October 28, 2017

Si spezza il cuore

Filed under: abuse,Divorce,family life,grief,motherhood,music — by Musical Milliner @ 10:40 am

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When I became a mother, I experienced the most intense and unexpected love for another human being.  To that point in my life, I had loved, been loved. But nothing even close to the depth and unconditional love I felt holding my newborn. That intensity increased when my child began to reciprocate. I felt unworthy of his devotion and adoration.

At the same time, I was so grateful to finally understand how real love could be. This little child’s love for me healed a lifetime of wounds. It helped me heal from the loss of my own mother as a girl, due to an illness she had when I was born. This child brought me respite from an abusive marriage. I thought, maybe my husband will stop hurting me now that I had a child in my arms.

My husband’s rages were fewer for awhile. But more than a few times he hit me while I was holding my son. Once when I was nursing him. Emotionally, it was confusing.  During the day, alone with my child, life was sweet and calm and busy. Nights were another thing. My husband came home and started drinking. We had dinner. He drank more. My floors were covered in egg shells. My goal was to avoid a fight, and avoid being verbally and physically abused. I was able to hide from him by being a busy mother. Not always. Eventually I was caught in his anger.

This child who was so kind and loving eventually became aware of his parent’s terrible marriage, something for which he judges me harshly, and has never forgiven me. And of course, he took notes. He often treats me with the same disdain and disrespect he learned from his father’s treatment of me.

Where once my heart was more joyful that I’d ever imagined, that place is sore and bereft. I will never know that love again from him.  I am ignored. I am marginalized. He contacts me when he needs or wants something of me and takes advantage of my vulnerability, but seems unaware that I need his love and interest.

Life is getting shorter.

2 Comments »

  1. All of the love you poured into this boy is still in there, part of him. I believe this rift will pass. Your pain scares him, and his father did not teach him enough about being a caring man, so he runs away and keeps you at a distance. He is immature, but he is still half YOU and that kind spirit will rise again. Eventually he will seek out a good woman who will be part of this healing. I wonder if for your own healing, you need to leave the physical space behind where all of this took place. Remember the opening up when you were in the great west? Come north, sister! Perhaps you can be part of the rebuilding of both the land and your own spirit.

    Comment by RE — October 30, 2017 @ 8:59 am

  2. Oh, my friend. One step forward. Two steps back. This is my first essay in three years. Pain knows no geography. A change of scenery helps, but the internal issues are fixed. We measure success by degrees of happiness. And that’s a crock. Life is hard no matter where you are planted. You always remind me of the good things.

    Comment by Musical Milliner — October 30, 2017 @ 10:36 am


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